Platonic

August 8, 2022
Franco, a psychology professor at the University of Maryland, debuts with a smart and savvy guide on forging friendships. “Friendship’s impact is as profound as it is underestimated,” she contends, exploring how one’s past affects one’s platonic relationships and imparting strategies for making friends. The author explains the psychology of attachment theory, which suggests that how loved ones have treated someone affects how that person relates to others (“We feel lovable because someone loved us well”). She illustrates the three attachment styles (secure, anxious, avoidant) with anecdotes “based on true stories” (their provenance remains unclear), such as when she explains anxious attachment style by telling of a woman who so feared being alone, she clung to her vituperative dance instructor. Scientific studies undergird Franco’s thoughtful advice on building better friendships, as when she encourages readers to “assume people like you” because research has found that people who expect others to like them will act kindly, causing others to actually like them. The guidance is thorough, and a chapter on how people from disadvantaged groups can approach friendships with privileged people—or when it might be best to dump them—sensitively addresses the impact of socioeconomic factors on friendships. This has wisdom to spare.

Starred review from July 15, 2022
A remarkable examination of the epidemic of loneliness and sound advice for alleviating it. In this articulate, informative book, Franco, a psychology professor at the University of Maryland, notes that the number of friends that most people have is lower than ever before (sometimes zero), and these circumstances lead to numerous deleterious effects on our mental and physical health. "Out of 106 factors that influence depression, having a confidante is the most powerful," she writes. "Loneliness is more fatal than a poor diet or lack of exercise, as corrosive as smoking fifteen cigarettes a day. Friendship literally saves our lives." The author identifies work pressure as a central culprit, but also to blame is the widespread view that relationships should only focus on sex and romantic love. Many people have simply forgotten how to make and keep friends, and Franco provides a wealth of useful advice on the subject. Starting a friendship requires taking initiative, which can mean accepting vulnerability and the risk of rejection. "People think tiny acts, like saying hello, can't have colossal consequences for their life," she writes. "But they can. One hello can be the difference between being lonely and finding your best friend." Having common interests is always a good place to start. Making friends with people across racial, social, and political boundaries is also important, but there has to be a set of shared values. Cultivating and maintaining a friendship requires an investment of time and energy, and both sides have to know the boundaries. Franco covers a great deal of ground, although one area she does not explore in depth is social media. Are Facebook friends, for example, really friends? Is Instagram a help or a hindrance? That is a big subject deserving a book of its own, and maybe Franco will address it in a subsequent volume. Until then, this one offers many fascinating insights. A pleasing mix of research, advice, and humor, this book is a useful tonic to a key social ailment.

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